


Insanity

by emerald_peach



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, References to Depression, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:27:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23369188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emerald_peach/pseuds/emerald_peach
Summary: If there was one rule for a therapist to have it was to never fall in love with your patient.  Yet the temptation of Alec leaves Magnus feeling breathless. Magnus tries to navigate his personal feelings with his professional commitment. Did Magnus happen to find everything he needed in Alec? Was it even right for them to feel this way? With everything on the line, how can either of them walk out of this with their hearts intact?AU fic where Magnus is Alec's therapist.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 13
Kudos: 62





	Insanity

_ “Come here, you little freak!” Magnus yelped as the large man grabbed his arm and yanked him back towards him. He had tried to run away, Magnus knew he was never supposed to run away but he couldn’t help himself. It hurt. Everywhere it hurts. Momma was in her room. Momma never came to save him. “Momma! Please!” Magnus begged.  _

_ The man laughed at Magnus as he tried to get away again. The man took the belt again and Magnus heard the crack of it before he felt it. Tears burned in his eyes as he tried to yell for his momma again. The man just pulled on Magnus’s wrist tighter and threw him on the ground. The cigarette that had hung from the man’s lips fell out, landing on Magnus’s bare leg. He screamed before he could stop himself.  _

  
  


Magnus jolted awake, his skin coated in sweat. Perhaps he could try to convince himself that the moisture on his face was also sweat, but he knew it was tears. Magnus took a deep breath and flopped back down on the bed. The nightmares were getting worse again. He had thought he had gotten over his PTSD, but he was proven wrong daily. If anyone moved too suddenly he flinched, the sound of slapping made him cringe, and the smell of cigarettes gave him migraines. 

_ There are never cures for your symptoms, only management. _ He would tell his clients.

Sighing, Magnus got out of bed, stretching as he walked into his bathroom. The first step to his morning routine was always a shower. Then he would make his bed. He firmly believed that you could not have a well rounded day unless you made your bed. After his bed was in order he would go to the kitchen and make breakfast for himself and Chairman Meow. Finally, he would get dressed and do his hair and makeup. The last part of his routine was a priority. He had to look good to feel good. 

After his routine was done, Magnus would finally feel human again, a functioning member of society. That was how it usually happened. Yet today he still felt restless, like he didn’t belong in his own skin. He needed a change in his life. Magnus tried to aim for a life full of surprises and spontaneity, but recently he felt stuck in a rut. Which was preposterous because Magnus Bane was never in a rut. He loved life, every single aspect of it, it was one of the reasons he decided to become a therapist, to help others love their own life.

Of course like any other human being Magnus had a boring day or two every once in a while, but he never felt like his days were walking through quicksand. He had many hobbies, and even more friends, and a schedule book that was full. If he didn’t have an art show to go to he had a charity event to attend. He rarely ever had free time spent just to himself, and he preferred it that way. Though recently, every time he went out he didn’t want to be there. Telling charming and witty stories at parties felt like a chore, and the thought of meeting new people over and over again gave him a headache. To his dismay, he had a hunch on what it was that was bothering him so much. 

Magnus wanted to be in love again.

He wanted to attend these social events with somebody by his side. To go to bed every night tucked in with another, and every morning wake up to the smell of coffee and their perfume. Magnus didn’t want just anybody though, he was very selective when it came to his dates. Though he was openly and proudly bisexual, that didn’t mean he was well suited to everybody. He still had a list of standards.

  * _Hygiene_



Cleanliness was a must, and though you would think that would be a given, Magnus had gone on dates where he could smell them from across the table. 

  * _Sexual attraction_



Now, Magnus adored the human form, so he wasn’t hugely worried about attraction. Whether they were plus sized, petite, lean, muscular, Magnus would find himself drooling over a variety of different shapes and sizes.

  
  


  * _Common interests_



They didn’t have to be the same as him, he would be thrilled to be introduced to their hobbies, but if there was one or two things that they both loved to do together, Magnus would love that. 

  
  


He didn’t think he was being too picky, yet every date he had gone on felt bland. Like they were both auditioning for the role of partner but didn’t have any chemistry with their co-star. He just wanted there to be sparks, and romance, and love. When he had sex with somoene he wanted the comfort of knowing they would still be there in the morning. Someone who made him coffee and kissed his forehead. Who whispered late at night how much they loved him. 

Being in love wouldn’t solve all of his problems, but at least there would be someone to guarantee he wouldn’t go through it alone.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Magnus loved Brooklyn, how the city seemed to thrum with its very own pulse. In Brooklyn, you could have authentic curry on one street corner, and tacos that are to die for on the other. Food aside, he loved the diversity in cultures. He had made friends from Brazil, Africa, Jamaica, and China. The language barrier was tricky, but a smile and kind gesture was universally understood. 

Magnus took in a deep breath, and exhaled with a soft grin. This city was his home, more so than even Indonesia. He had been young when they moved, and his mother immediately married an American man, one that Magnus had always despised. His mother had been afraid to leave him, and afraid to stay. She had seen the way his step father had treated him, and she never said anything. She would nervously laugh when he would call Magnus “Fagnus”. 

And he got called that  _ a lot.  _

It didn’t matter anymore though, Magnus was proud of who he was, and what he had accomplished. He didn’t need his parents approval, or anyone else’s. He was Magnus Bane. Powerful, successful, and most importantly, untouchable. There wasn’t anything anyone could say now to hurt him, as he had already been cut so deeply. By his stepfather, his mother, Camille. 

He had reached the pinnacle of pain, anything more was just inconsequential. 

  
  
  
  
  


Walking into the office of Labyrinth Counseling, Magnus felt that all familiar cloud of dread. He loved his job, truly he did. Some days it was hard to listen to people complain about the same problems, and completely ignore his advice, then come crying again when nothing changed. Toxicity was always a pattern. Dorothea was already there, a cup of coffee in hand ready to give to Magnus. Dot was an incredible secretary, but if you ever asked her to get you coffee she would spit in your face. He eyed her suspiciously. 

“This is my apology.” Dot said. 

“What did you do?” Magnus asked as he took the cup. Vanilla caramel, his favorite. 

“Do you know of the Lightwood family?” She asked.

Magnus’s eyebrows raised in surprise, “Of course, who doesn’t?” 

“The sister called today, her brother needs counseling immediately. Said he had been thinking some dark thoughts.” Dot said quietly. 

“Okay? I’d be happy to see him then, but I’m not sure why that would require an apology.” Did Dot really think he would ever turn away someone in need? Even if the person was from the most pretentious family to ever exist?

“Well, it was a 911 situation, so I scheduled him in your lunch hour.” She replied, regret hanging her features. 

Magnus sighed, “That’s quite alright. I had a large breakfast anyway. You are completely forgiven.” 

Dot blew a kiss at him and then handed him his appointment files for the day.  _ A. Lightwood  _ sitting boldly on top. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Meliorn was a compulsive liar, that Magnus knew. No matter what story he told, Magnus couldn’t be sure what part of it was true. By the end he was so exhausted with the mental acrobatics, he was nearly pissed at Dot for scheduling A. Lightwood. He needed that hour to decompress from this rather difficult client. 

He was relieved when Meliorn left, and he took an extra minute practicing deep breathing, trying to will away his migraine. A page from Dot told him that Lightwood was in the lobby waiting for him, and he stood from his desk with a groan. He opened the door and walked down the hall and into the lobby, and noticed immediately his new client.  Magnus was great at keeping a poker face but even he had to catch his jaw from dropping. His dark hair was a mess, his face was set in a scowl, and he had a scar on his eyebrow. He was gorgeous. The woman sitting next to him was obviously his sister. Not only from the similar features, but because of her tight hold on Alexander’s arm. Her knee was bouncing nervously and Magus noticed her nails were chipped, most likely from chewing at them. She cared deeply about Alexander, and Magnus felt a rush of sympathy for the family.

“Alexander? My name is Magnus Bane, it’s nice to meet you.” Both Alexander and his companion stood up to greet him and shake his hand.

“Alec. This is my sister Izzy.” Alec had a strong and firm handshake, but his other hand was fidgeting at his side. Magnus turned to Izzy, her eyes were red and swollen, and her hair was limp against her face. Still stunning, but you could feel the waves of anxiety coming from her.

“Don’t worry, I won’t even try to join Alec today for his session, I have some homework to do for school, so I will just wait in the lobby. Please make an effort, Alec. For me?” Alec rolled his eyes, and muttered under his breath, but it seemed like a weary gesture, like they had many conversations about this before they came. Izzy glared at him, and jabbed him with her elbow.

“Well, if you could follow me we can get started. And the sooner we get started, the sooner you can leave. Don’t worry, dear Izzy, he is in good hands with me.” Izzy giggled, and gave a quick hug to Alec.

Magnus waited until they were in his office to start any kind of conversation, letting Alec have some time to himself to process his thoughts. Once Magnus shut the door it was like Alec transformed into a different person, still had his guard up, and still cold, but it was like something lifted off his shoulders. Like he was relieved to be away from Izzy. Magnus thought that was odd, since it was obvious they were very close.

“Please sit down. I would like to start out by saying that everything you tell me in this room, stays in this room. I legally cannot tell anyone about your personal business. Unless I feel like you are a danger to yourself or to others. You can tell me that in your free time you like to dress up as a bunny and hop around in your home, and that would be put into the vault. However, if you tell me that you like to dress up as a bunny and run around the neighborhood with an ax, I would have concerns. Is that understood?”

Alec looked at him blankly from his spot on the couch. “I do not dress up as a bunny.”

“The point still stands. This is your safe space. Now, tell me about yourself. You don’t have to start with anything heavy, but just tell me about your life.” Magnus didn’t want to pry into this man’s life when he was so shut down at the moment. Asking him about his attempt on his life might only drive him further away.

“Um, well I go to Columbia Law School right now, and I work part time at my brother’s gym. I like archery, I haven’t done it in a while though, I’ve been kind of busy.” Magnus noted that he kept pinching the skin on his hands while he spoke, and instead of looking at Magnus he looked down at his sneakers. Sneakers that looked like they have seen better days, the hem on his jeans were frayed, and he could spot a few stains on his sweater. Was it that he wasn’t a materialistic person, or had he lost control of his life?

“Law school? Impressive. What made you want to be a lawyer?”

“My parents are both lawyers. They both love their jobs, and I thought I might too.”

“Do you love it?”

“I’m not a lawyer yet.” Magnus nearly groaned in frustration. This was like pulling teeth.

“No, but do the classes interest you?”

Alec shrugged, but said nothing more. Magnus had a feeling becoming a lawyer was never his idea. Moving on from the topic, Magnus decided to bring up a more interesting topic for Alec.

“Archery though, I have to say that isn’t a common hobby. What got you into that?”

“When Jace, my brother, and I were 12 we went to this all boys summer camp in Vermont. We spent 6 weeks there, and one of the activities they had was archery. It was a lot of fun, and I was actually pretty good at it. When we got home I begged my parents for weeks to let me take more classes. On Christmas, they surprised me with my own bow. So I would be outside everyday practicing, and eventually I started entering some tournaments.” Alec’s face changed when he talked about the camp, his voice wasn’t so monotone, and his eyes got brighter. It was charming. “I stopped about a year ago, I needed to focus on school.”

“Have you thought about getting back into it? I’m sure if you could set aside a couple hours a week for practice. Even if it’s not competitive, it could just be for fun.” 

“Maybe.” Alec said, and then looked out the window. Magnus tried to think of more common ground topics to discuss, but the suicide attempt needed to be brought up. 

“Alec, would you mind talking about what you’re really doing here?” Magnus asked, trying to sound as gentle as possible.

“I thought you already knew.” Alec sulked. 

“I know Izzy’s side of the story. I’d like to know yours.” 

Magnus watched as Alec battled with himself, and for a long time he just sat there, looking overwhelmed and confused. “I made a bad joke.” 

“What joke?” 

“The other night we had a party, just Jace, Izzy and I. We got pretty drunk and we ended up on the roof to watch the stars. I was at the edge of the building, and Jace told me to knock it off, that he didn’t want me to fall off. I said something along the lines of that it would probably benefit everyone if I did just jump off.” Alec looked down at his hands again, pinching deeper into his skin.

“Do you believe that?” Magnus asked.

“No, it was a dumb joke.” Alec replied irritably.

“So, if that was all a joke, why did your siblings take it so seriously? Are there other things that have happened to make them believe you would actually do it?” Magnus thought back to Izzy’s miserable appearance, she didn’t look like her brother had given her a scare. It looked more like years of worry had evolved into something much deadlier. 

“Nothing I couldn’t handle. They worry too much.” With Alec’s severe looks and glare, he looked like an avenging angel. 

“They worry because they love you, and they would hate if something ever did happen to you.” Magnus reminded him. 

“I said I’m fine.” Alec snapped, his whole body tense. It was very clear that Magnus would not be getting anything else from him.

“Hm. I would still like to see you come in twice a week. Just in case.” 

“I’m not crazy, I don’t need to come twice a week.”

“How about we compromise and I see you once a week for regular sessions, and you send me texts periodically so I know you’re okay. Deal?”

Alec seemed to sulk, but reluctantly agreed.

“Well then, it looks like you made it through your first session. How do you feel? Is there anything you would like to talk about before you go?”

Alec looked at the clock seeming to be in shock. “An hour passed already?”

Magnus laughed, “I will take that as a compliment. Now I want you to understand that trust is very important between a client and therapist. If at any time you feel uncomfortable with your sessions with me, or you feel like you would benefit from a different therapist, please let me know and we can find you someone else. Don’t worry about hurting my feelings, in this office you are the priority.”

“No, I think you’re great.” Alec blushed and stammered, “I mean, as a therapist. You’re not as bad as I thought you’d be. That didn’t sound any better. I’m so sorry.” Magnus couldn’t help but smile, when not being questioned and prodded, Alec began to shine into an adorable little character.

“Let’s go up front and schedule your next appointment. I look forward to working with you Mr. Lightwood.” Magnus gave Alec his card and quickly wrote on the back of it his work cell number.

They got up and walked down the hall to the lobby, Magnus making small talk about the weather and other random topics. “Well, I will see you next week, don’t forget to text or call me.” Alec seemed to be bracing himself. Magnus remembered that Izzy was in the lobby waiting for him. She had a textbook in front of her but she wasn’t looking at it, she was watching for Alec. As soon as she saw him she jumped up and walked towards him.

“Did everything go okay?”

“I’m fine Izzy, we are going to set up another appointment for next week around the same time.”

Izzy nodded, “Next week I am going to be in Albany for a meeting, but Jace can come with you.”

Alec threw his arms up, “I don’t need a babysitter, Iz. I am perfectly capable of taking myself to my appointments.”

Izzy glared at Alec, “Jace is going with you next week. End of discussion.”

Alec glared right back at Izzy and then turned to Magnus. “Looks like next week we will have plenty to talk about, especially about my infuriating little sister.”

Izzy stuck her tongue out at Alec.

Magnus laughed nervously, “Easy there, I would hate to get into the middle of you two.”

Magnus turned and walked away as they continued to bicker, and Magnus wondered exactly what he was getting himself into. But as Magnus thought more about Alexander, he couldn’t help but want to learn more about his enigma of a patient.

**Author's Note:**

> Stay tuned for when I go back and edit this again when I'm not happy with it :)


End file.
